Friday, August 26, 2011

To all you Americans out there!

A Message from John Cleese to the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except California, which she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.Congress and the Senate will be Disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

2. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

3. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour', 'honour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters,and the suffix '-ize' will be eliminated. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

4. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

5. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

6. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

7. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket.

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God save the Queen.

Friday, August 5, 2011

Goodbye to my Friends in Japan

This message goes out to the people who touched my life in the two years I was in Japan. Whether big or small every one of you made this experience something truly amazing to remember.

For the 80 people I met these last two years please know that you kindness and friendship has changed my life. Without you I could have never done the things I have done or felt the amazing feelings that you all helped pulled out of me. For this I thank each one of you. You are all such amazing people from all over the world and it was truly amazing to meet you. Even though we have only known each other for a short time and as hard as it will be to stay in touch, I hope that we remain close friends.

For the 10 people that I knew before I came to Japan, know that your visit and participation in these last years has not only brought us closer together but you too enhanced my time here. Thank you for all you have done and shared.

With all the mushy stuff out of the way, if you haven’t guessed, I’m leaving Japan after two wonderful years here. I cannot begin to explain how much I have changed and grown in the time that I’ve been here and how much all of you have impacted my life. I don’t see myself or my world in the same way and it has been a wonderful change. But the time has come to move on to a new life and experience.

I have confirmed my plane ticket back to the UK and I will be flying out on August 17th. But before I go I would love to see, talk or message each one of you once more just to say that I will miss you.

Some of you have already left and some of you were just visiting. Thus for you I simply say a great thanks for making these two years awesome.

But for those who are still in Japan there will be one last party at my house in Yamashina on Saturday August 13th. Please feel free to come by anytime after 3:00pm. The party is called “Leftovers”. Please eat whatever food I have, take whatever furniture there is and let’s party one more time.

I will truly miss all of you and I only wish I could have spent more time to learn, laugh and enjoy Japan with you but I did all I could and I hope we can see each other again.

I will come back to Japan one day but it will probably be for a short visit and will never be the same as this great experience.

I hope this message has made you cry and made you feel nostalgic for just a moment. I am not a sissy but I like to bring on the mush when the time is right. Life is too short to remain all cool and macho all the time.

I love you all.

Thanks again and I hope to hear from all of you soon.

Sayonara

MIKEY