Important things we forget

I haven't answered the question of why I came to Japan. The reason is it’s difficult to explain and all this time I've been thinking about how best to approach writing about it. When I talk to people here or back home and this question comes up in small talk, I've given many different, socially acceptable reasons of why I came here, such as the culture, travelling, or even making money. All these things may be true but the real reason needs to be a much deeper explanation and exploration. I'm not sure if my reasons are a reflection of my personality, my maturity or if I am discovering something that most people want to ignore. Maybe the problem lies culturally. Perhaps it’s a combination.

I've tried to remain confident of my reasons but to be honest they have been mixed in with all forms of misdirection that have influenced my life and probably still continue to influence it. This is the first real issue I want to explore, the idea of being misdirected by things that have no value. Yes, advertisement attacks us all every day but that’s kind of a side issue that’s relevant everywhere I think. What I’m talking about is about elements that influence you by choice.

I want to be honest with myself, try to find what's important to me and truly discover who I am and what I should do with my life. I try to gauge based on the many different models I see around me every day but somehow it doesn't seem enough for me or I don’t wish for that kind of life. Those who know me know that I can be a very cynical person and see the downsides of most things. I have a friend who says I will never be happy because of this. Yet, I'm not sure this is why I haven't been content with my direction in life. I'm sure this is one of the influences but I realize now that there is a lot more going on and for some reason Japan seems to be the place where I can really think about what truly influences me and how can I choose what things I accept and what things I want to expel from my life.

Let me try to emphasis where I'm going with this line of thought. I look around and see what drives people day to day and I've noticed many issues that seem to affect me as well. I hope that, through this creative brainstorming, I can change or at least become more aware of these issues. I can’t possibly go into all the details at this time and I’ll come back with some more thoughts later.

I have been noticing that it’s difficult for people to see how their actions influence others; it’s a safety mechanism. It’s far less anxiety-provoking if you concentrate on how you feel and what you need rather than really notice what others are going though. Saying or doing the wrong thing may upset someone but it’s far easier to not notice or tune it out. To add to the fact, if people are bothered by the actions of others, the tendency today is to be non-confrontational. The idea is to ignore it and move on. To stand up and say "hey please don't say/do that it bothers me" is aggressive and unpleasant and thus avoided. If you do want to express concern over your actions and inquire if what you said was unsettling, this is seen as a sign that you're insecure. Thus, the tendency today is to ignore the things/people that bother us and not be concerned that we are bothering others. Just smile and keep things pleasant regardless. This type of thinking makes even the most difficult people tolerable.

I know it appears that things are easier this way and it gives the sense of control but the truth is it feels like a lie. I know some of you are thinking that I just don't know the right people and I need to explore alternatives and this may be true. But, I also see it on television and in the general way that people seem to be acting. People are becoming more focused on themselves and in the wrong way. I don’t like this trend and I want to bring awareness about how actions do influence others. But more importantly, I realised that I cannot live in this passive way.

This issue has always upset me and the advice I've been given is to focus my attention elsewhere. This of course has helped and today it doesn’t bring the anxiety it once did but I now realize that this issue is not synonymous with all people of all cultures. (At this point I may get a little touchy but stay with me for a minute.) I see it more as how North Americans act and this is the overall direction that most other cultures are going as well: being anti-social. By anti-social, I don't mean not socializing; people certainly do that. I mean talking about themselves and actually being interested in the well-being of others. For the most part, people like to talk about pop culture or stories about their lives, but never about their own beliefs or ideas or desires. If I were to guess, most simply don’t know enough about themselves to confidently talk about these things or maybe they’re too insecure to voice what they think. In North America, it’s promoted that one should suppress these types of feelings and ideas in order to be manlier or appear more confident/secure, or not appear like a sissy or something like that.

These issues bothered me when I lived in Canada and the States but I could never understand fully how or why. Being raised in an Eastern European household certainly helped me understand that the issue existed but I think I was too young to understand the problem. It came about simply because the value system in my household was very different from the ones I saw on television or in school. I began exploring this line of thought when I moved to France but even living overseas it was very difficult to fully understand the depths of why people behaved in this way because it was present there too but not as strong as in North America. At the time I believed it to be the current trend or maybe even human nature but I now realise it’s a choice.

There was a strong difference in France. The problem was less severe and this was manifested by the kind of things that I would hear most people talk about and the kind of questions that were asked, plus the attention given on birthdays and other celebrations. I found that the topic of conversation was typically not about pop culture. I'm not saying that we always sat around making intellectual conversation all the time. Trust me that was not the case. Simply, personal opinions and beliefs were more present in the conversations and it happened consistently enough for me to notice. The truth is, it has nothing to do with the people I conversed with or the parties I went to, it has far more to do with the overall value system of European people. The fact is pop culture is not that important in other countries since A LOT of it is American and they are not simply not that interested in it. Sure, the French and the Japanese have their own pop culture, but it doesn't have this sensation of flooding the market all the time and bombarding people every day. People that I talk to here in Japan don't really talk about what's new in the theatre or what new games are out or how Jack Bauer is awesome. To be honest, most Japanese people I talk to don’t watch much TV or know what’s hot in music.

The issue of the overwhelming pop culture in North America is directly tied into how people treat others and their growing anti-social behaviour. The most obvious example is how addicted we are to our MP3's. I remember in university, as soon as class was over 1/4 of the people would just plug into their little world. Today, it’s more like 1/2. With the invention of online gaming, people don't have to play games with others beside them anymore. I found that, when I talk to a stranger, the first look I get is that of confusion and surprise. Talking to a girl on the street, I get the look of "who are you, are you going to touch me? I'm not interested, and why is this happening now I'm busy". When I talk to guys, I got the look of "I'm not gay, I don't want a new friend, why is this happening now, and I’m in a rush”. I know I'm not the most charming person in the world but I honestly don't get that feeling when I talk to a stranger here. (For an example look at my last post) I know people say that it’s the city life but I think it has to do with how self-conscious people are, how inexperienced they are becoming at talking with others and how self-focused most people’s lives are.

Bottom line: I find people don’t spend enough time thinking about their lives, talking with others about their hopes and dreams and consciously trying to make themselves better people. I think most people don’t spend enough time even thinking about these issues themselves. They rely on others to influence their choices spending their time doing unproductive activities that, in essence, are anti-social, like watching TV or reading fiction.

To make my point in a different way, let’s talk about how much time you spend on pop culture. There are 168 hours in a week. Take away the time that you are actually doing your job and cannot focus on anything else but that. Take away the time that you sleep/eat/shower, etc. What do you have left? Only your spare time is left. I know some of you are thinking “I don't have much of that because of A, B, C” but people can't stay alive if they only have work and sleep so I don’t believe you. Out of this spare time, how much of that is spent on TV, reading fiction, Internet, games and all kinds of other distractions? By distractions, I mean things that waste time and do not generate anything that you can gage as changing or developing or most importantly knowing yourself. What did you last read or do that you can really see a difference in how you were then and how you are now? What skills have you developed in the last year? I know some people will say that they need their relax time and can't afford to concentrate more than they already do but honestly think about it. If you’re just wasting your time between your actual responsibilities, what makes you an interesting person to talk to or for that matter what gives you the skills to talk to others? More importantly, how can you find true happiness living this way?

I truly believe that the reason divorce rates are climbing is because people don’t know a thing about themselves, get married and are quickly frustrated when they realise that they are not compatible with their spouse. They don’t know enough about themselves to know what they want simply because they spend all their spare time thinking about how Batman will get out of this jam.

Anyone who knows me can stand back and say that I was the biggest geek when it came to pop culture and in many ways I still am. I used to spend so much time watching TV or movies or reading comic books or listening to music. I was on-top of everything that was coming out in the entertainment industry until I got severed from that lifestyle. In France, I tried to keep up with it but it was harder and more expensive than in Canada and I found myself doing other things or at least thinking about other things. When I came back to Canada it was really easy to slip back into that lifestyle, just because it was the norm. Here in Japan, it’s even harder to do those things since I can just tune out everything that I don't understand. Once more, it’s not about me, it’s about the lifestyle that exists outside of North America. If I wanted to and knew the language, it would be far more difficult to upkeep this type of lifestyle outside of North America. I’m not sure if it has to do with countries having a longer history or cultural heritage; maybe they simply can’t produce as large a pop culture as America.

I have many ideas of why things are like this in North America. That is a long explanation that dives into politics and historical reasons but the important idea that I’m trying to say it you don’t need to do it. You are not some kind of outcast if you stop spending all your spare time on these unimportant shows or books. If you stopped watching TV, it would do more for your life then I can possibly explain to you.

Being in a place that doesn’t bombard me with the constant need to do these kind of things is one of the most amazing experiences I’ve ever had. Today, I’m finding it harder to sit and passively watch programming (think about the word). I know all these things are fun, and I am having a hard time dealing with this notion myself but cutting a great deal of this stuff from my life has changed how I see everything and the world around me. Most importantly, it is helping me discover what I value in my life and what could possibly make me happy. I know today that knowing all the events in Star Wars or seeing all the episodes of 24 is not important. Yes it’s fun but is it important? When was the last time you did something important?

People are too caught up with their own lives day to day. I find that they don’t look back at the events that add up to who they are. It’s difficult to think about one’s own future. The lifestyle I see most people live is one of reacting to yesterday and thinking about tomorrow. This is limited. I’m not saying that I’ve mastered anything that I’ve written today, but I am expressing the need to understand this problem not only to help myself but to really understand how a person can know themselves and truly be happy. I only think this can be done with consistent reflection on productive matters, to really see improvement. For example if you paint, exercise or cook, you can see the difference. Not fearing failure is the first step. To do something productive means that you can fail at it. But it also means that you can learn from your mistakes and get better at it. Every failed attempt is really a step forward because you learned how not to do it.

Everything that I mention here is equally relevant to Japanese people. I think it’s a growing problem of the modern world perhaps because of the strong influence of American pop culture or perhaps it’s the digital age.

Travelling to different cultures gave me this opportunity to compare and contrast and begin to explore what is best for me. One of the reasons I came to Japan was I truly believed that a more Eastern outlook on life could help bring all these things into perspective. I wanted to see what they valued and I know now it’s not based in pop culture. I can now understand that the potential for happiness is possible when a person challenges themselves to do something and share that accomplishment with others rather than watch life pass you by and live with regrets.
I believe that the discipline necessary to move on from this point will be a turning point in my life.